I suppose a few words on why I’m here are warranted.
I was recently promoted! Hurrah, how great for me. The only thing is I don’t feel all that excited. Talk about your first world problems, am I right?
I realize I’ve been following this path with no real understanding of where it was taking me or how I’d feel along the way. When I was in school I worked hard for good grades because that’s sort of what you do. In college I ended up in the business building because I have an aptitude for analytics, plus the math was a lot easier than in the Science building. Literature courses were always my favorite, but even to 19 year old me that didn’t feel like a pragmatic choice in major.
So I took my Finance diploma and ran right out the door to find the Great Recession waiting for me. Influenced heavily by that, I picked up the courses necessary to sit for the CPA exam and many study hours later had my credentials.
I chose accounting because I thought it would make me more employable and it was pretty closely related to my undergraduate degree. I was right! Thirty days into my first semester in graduate school I had a high paying internship. That sort of set the ball rolling to where I am now, a newly minted accounting manager.
It’s such a natural course I don’t think anyone is surprised by the progression, except maybe me. Not surprised so much I guess, more… disenchanted. I didn’t enjoy any of the steps along the way. Sure, I felt accomplished with each new milestone, but that was laced with relief more than excitement. I was always ready to be done with one stage and optimistic for what the next would bring, assuming that as long as I kept my head down and made progress one day it would all just sort of click.
I was waiting to be zapped.
So here I am. Still waiting.
I no longer have the distraction of exertion. Since first graduating I’ve always had something that felt productive keeping me occupied and optimistic: going back to school, getting my first “real” job, studying for the CPA, looking for the next job, learning my new role, being promoted. Now I’m just sort of here, at what should be some sort of pinnacle, but still just feels like waiting.
I realize that I’m in control of my own destiny and that clichés are clichés for a reason. I would love to take charge. Point me in the direction of my passion project and watch how fast I quit my job. But that’s sort of it, the crux of it, I don’t know what I want to do and I don’t have some great aspiration dominating my thoughts. So for now I’ll just keep plugging away, trying to figure it out, waiting to be zapped.